Short of a dream

"The significance of a man is not in what he attains but in what he longs to attain" ~Kahil Gibran

Here I am, back from Chicago. I thought I'd be blogging about the amazing experience of finishing my very first marathon, rather than about the disappointment of never seeing the finish line.

My emotions are conflicting, on one hand I am proud that I didn't quit. On the other, I'm very upset I didn't get to finish.

I am happy and proud of everyone who finished Chicago on Sunday. I know it was hot and difficult, but you did it and I'm so proud to be associated with such amazing people.

In my heart, I feel I could have been one of those people. Since Sunday's fiasco, I have done a lot of soul searching, a lot of thinking. I don't deal well with failure, and I failed myself Sunday. I failed myself throughout the entire MM training process.

I should have pushed myself out of the comfort zone during the training runs, I should have attempted to increase my running intervals as so many other people did. Instead I settled for my mediocre pace, because it was easier. I had plenty of excuses for why I didn't push harder: the kids, my job, family time. You name it, I used it.

The truth is there are no excuses. Increasing my intervals and getting out of my comfort zone wouldn't have affected my family time or time at work. I just let the excuses shadow the truth: I had settled for less than I was capable of.

I keep replaying Sunday in my head over and over again, and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. Should I have lined up further up in the pack, rather than in the very end? Would that have made a difference as to how far I was in the course when the whole thing was called off?

I see all the testimonials from my fellow MMers about how this program has truly changed their lives and I'm afraid I missed the point. Did I change? I settled for less than what I was able to give, rather than pushing myself farther. The program is awesome, it is me who missed the opportunity to use it to its full advantage.

I have a medal to symbolize the fact I didn't quit, faint, or stop running Sunday. I know everyone will say I did great, but it's hard to get over the fact I disappointed myself. I invested my time and my money, and forgot to invest myself in the process.

I have learned some valuable lessons though. I know now what I will do differently next time. I will push myself harder during training, I will definitely cross train more, and I will line up further up in the pack rather than at the very end.

I will give Chicago another chance. Maybe not next year, but I will return to Chicago and finish all 26.2 miles and wear a medal I truly deserve. My running days are not over, they are just starting.

Thank you to Mark, Robin, Matt, Scotty, Sheila, Clark, you guys are awesome and I couldn't have made it to Chicago without your help. A million thank you don't seem like enough.

Congratulations again to Mandy, who has inspired me more than she'll ever know. I'm so proud to know you and so proud of your accomplishment on Sunday.